Monday, August 17, 2009

The White Knights Pleasure Kit from Doc Johnson

Today's review, my first review, concerns the White Knights Pleasure Kit from Doc Johnson, available at

In my research, I found that the sexperts were a little down on Doc Johnson, and I have yet to track down the source of their collective, and vague, discontent. It could be that some of the company's toys contain, or at least fail to specifically not contain, phthalates. It could be that a company providing a high number of inexpensive toys is unlikely to gain favor in a crowd with regular access to better stuff. Or it could be they've manufactured some real crap that I have yet to discover.

Anyway, I mention this because I'm going to start off my reviews with some products from that company, because I think this particular purchase has value for my potential readers.

I'm assuming that my readers are like me in some respects, and that many are researching sex toys for the first time. Before you get bogged down in the research as you try to figure out what toy is the absolute best toy to own, it helps to have actually experienced a vibrator.

I went through this decision making process not so long ago, and I found I had a few options. I could spend a whole lot of money to buy the best rated no-frills luxury vibrator (the Lelo Liv or the JimmyJane Form 6 being examples of the type, both for well over $100) only to potentially discover that I didn't care for it for some reason, or I could buy something cheap and do a little experimenting. The money was less of a concern, to be honest, than the fact that ordering from amazon was a lot less stressful than ordering from a "real" online sex toy shop.

The sexperts seem universally bored by the idea of a slimline vibe, yet they all recommend starting with one, and that makes more sense than it seems to make. A slimline isn't a brand name, it's the term for a slender insertable vibrator with limited options. Once you acquire one, you either use it cheerfully until it wears out, and then buy a better one, or you get bored with it, and then buy something better. Either way, you'll get some enjoyment out of it, and learn a little bit about what you like.

The one I'll be reviewing is the White Knights Velvet Touch, a slimline vibrator from Doc Johnson, along with the other two items that come in the White Knights Pleasure Kit.

It comes in a not particularly attractive and slightly wasteful plastic package, but the packaging is free of naked porn stars and doesn't make layers of garbage like some items, and I'm really not that picky.

What I really like about the White Knights line is the texture of the plastic. It has a velvety feel that is quite nice. These things don't look tacky and cheap, even in the company of the better toys I acquired later. If I were to invite a boyfriend to watch me play with my vibrator (I wouldn't, yikes, I'm far too uptight for that sort of thing, even if I weren't filled with body image shame, which I am, and even if I had a boyfriend, which I don't, being afraid of intimacy and not terribly fond of people), this is the sort of thing this fictional person might expect. Not too kinky or strange, not intimidating, all of that.

But I'm using this alone in my locked bedroom, with the windows boarded up and the lights off, so how does it perform in that specific environment?

First question: is it loud? It sure seemed loud when I switched it on, in all my paranoia, but then I did my sound tests. If I leave it laying on a towel on my bed, and then leave the room, I can't hear it. Not from outside the bedroom door, and not from the air conditioning vent in the room above mine, which is known to broadcast sound through the house.

With music playing, I couldn't hear it while playing with it. I found myself turning the stereo down to try to listen to the buzzing to make sure the buzzing wasn't too loud, until I calmed down a little and realized that was stupid.

The moment when it's loudest is during the one second it takes to turn it on, and the one second it takes to turn it off again, because the cap that holds in the batteries is also the controller. Vibes make that rattling buzzing noise when the battery is loose. So that makes sense. Jam it under a pillow as you turn it on, play the stereo while you have your fun, and turn it off with it firmly against your skin. Unless your roommate is physically in the room, you're safe from discovery.

Anyway, the volume test is extremely important to me personally, and while the White Knights Velvet Touch is not the quietest thing I've ever used, and is in fact louder than the other two items in the package, it's far from actually loud.

Now, what does it feel like to use? When I held it against my clit, it felt very nice, and it took only a couple of minutes to get off. There are better toys out there, but it worked. For insertion, it slid in easily enough, and the vibration felt nice, but I did not reach orgasm that way. Thrusting was easy, but unspectacular, and rotating it around a little felt pretty good, but again, not orgasmic.

This is not a toy that's safe to use in the butt, because it could slip inside the colon and cause a horrifically embarrassing trip to the ER. That wasn't really a concern for me anyway, because this toy is white and velvety, and the thought of putting something white and velvety in that region and then having to clean it up? Yeah, so not interested.

If I didn't have other options, I would have kept using it on my clit, or inserting it while rubbing my clit, and it would have been a serviceable toy, but being a bit obsessive, I quickly acquired other options.

Two of those other options came in the same package. The White Knight Bullet with remote is meant to be nestled against the clit while you control it with the remote. Great for teasing yourself while watching a movie, if you happen to either have some porn, or find Wall-E particularly arousing. The pleasant texture made it nice to roll around the area, and the different levels of vibration felt wonderful. Plus it's ridiculously quiet. I couldn't hear it at the lowest level, even when it was right there in my hand, and at the highest it can't be heard unless you hold it against a hard surface, which is probably a bad idea regardless.

Speaking of the highest setting, it's too intense for me. That's really an impressive range -- from soft flutter to too intense to use, in four settings. You can buy sleeves that transform bullets into different toys, or use them to send vibrations through a non-vibrating toy, such as the Lelo Ella, and this one excelled in both of those circumstances as well.

You're not supposed to insert a bullet anywhere, because the cord isn't strong enough to pull it back out without potentially breaking. You could put it in a condom if you were desperate to insert it vaginally, but I fail to see the point to that, and inserting it anally is a big no, both for safety reasons and for my personal tastes.

As for orgasmic value, it definitely got the job done, plus by varying the speeds, I could keep myself on the edge for a while, which is lovely.

The White Knights Pocket Rocket is fantastic, in my opinion. It can't be heard from outside the room, and possibly not even from the other side of the same room. Certainly not with any other noise in the room, like the stereo. Other reviewers have said this isn't as powerful as specific other toys, but it gets me off in under three minutes every time, so this is now my go-to toy if I'm in a hurry. The metal contact points feel different in a very good way, and the single vibration setting is pretty strong.

If your worst nightmare happens, and someone finds any one of these toys, you could probably claim "neck massager" with enough plausibility to extract yourself from the situation. The Pocket Rocket does feel nice on the hands after hours of typing.

One safety note, regarding using sex toys for other massaging purposes: applying vibration to unexplained pain in the calf could dislodge an embolism and this could be fatal. So if you have unexplained calf pain, maybe you'd better check with a doctor. Or read this blog entry.

Now back to the review. I'd say this kit is a great value. It's fairly inexpensive, is good quality for the price, with an illusion of greater quality due to the plastic's texture, the toys are quiet and do their jobs, and it can be acquired through amazon, or a drug store website if you prefer, for question-free arrival in the mail.

In the long run, you'll get plenty of use out of the bullet and the Pocket Rocket, even if the slimline vibe is retired quickly in favor of your next purchase. And even that has potential use if you find yourself a partner and he (or she) has a vibrator fetish that you're willing to indulge, because it's pretty stereotypical of its type, just with a nicer finish to the plastic.

If you own nothing, I recommend this set for experimental purposes. If you already have a few toys that you like, you'll only want this set if you're either specifically looking for a Pocket Rocket (Doc Johnson is the original maker of that item), or specifically want a bullet with a nice texture, and could find a use for at least one other toy in the package.

Breakdown:White Knights Velvet Touch Slimline

Orgasmic: yes
Sound: passes, but louder than some
Cover Story: neck massager story is semi-plausible if the other party wants to believe you
Best Feature: velvety texture
Worst Feature: a bit boring
Recommended: as an exploratory toy, yes

Breakdown:White Knights Bullet

Orgasmic: yes
Sound: passes
Cover Story: hand massager, maybe
Best Feature: great range of vibrations
Worst Feature: probably won't last forever
Recommended: yes

Breakdown: White Knights Pocket Rocket

Orgasmic: absolutely yes
Sound: passes
Cover Story: hand massager, and that's not even a lie, because it's good at that too
Best Feature: the metal nubs
Worst Feature: only one speed, might not be powerful enough for some people
Recommended: yes

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